Friends, let me tell you about the latest cinematic disappointment: Robert Edgar’s Nosferatu.
Now, before I dive into this mess, let’s get one thing clear: I appreciate a good horror flick. But when a movie trades genuine scares for pretentious artsy-fartsy wankery, we’ve got a problem. And oh boy, do we have a problem here.
First off, let’s talk about the A24 curse, where every film seems to think that by just attaching that label, it’s automatically a masterpiece. Nosferatu falls into this trap with more style than substance, banking on cinematography and premise alone to carry the day. But let me tell you—it doesn’t. The movie is all about setting an atmosphere but forgets that a film needs a story to pull you in, not just visuals to look pretty.
From the first trailer, we’re introduced to Ellen, played by Lily Rose Depp, who appears in scenes that look less like a woman in distress and more like she’s caught in some bizarre sexual fantasy. Her facial expressions are more akin to someone having an orgasm than being haunted by a vampire. This isn’t subtle storytelling; it’s just confusing and, frankly, a bit embarrassing for everyone involved.
The plot—if you can call it that—revolves around Ellen having these nightmarish visions of being, well, banged by Count Orlok while her husband, Thomas Hutter, played by Nicholas Hoult, stands by as the ultimate cuck and simp. Hoult seems to have made a career out of playing these roles. Remember him in The Menu, where he was a total chef-glorifying simp? Or in the X-Men series, where he was the passive bystander while Mystique was out there with Xavier and Magneto? Now, in Nosferatu, he’s back at it, watching helplessly as his wife is taken by the vampire. I can only imagine what he’ll do as Lex Luthor in the upcoming Superman film—probably simping after Lois Lane this time.
Throughout the movie, Ellen’s supposed exorcisms or fits look more like she’s in the throes of ecstasy than terror. This might have been an attempt at some deep commentary on sexuality or horror, but it just comes off as crass and poorly executed. The film tries to mask this with beautiful cinematography and a haunting score, but after a while, you’re desensitized to it. The tension doesn’t build—it just stagnates, leaving you bored and waiting for something interesting to happen. But it never does.
And then we come to the ending—or rather, the lack thereof. After enduring what feels like an eternity of watching Ellen’s sexualized exorcisms, we get to the payoff. Spoiler alert: it’s as unsatisfying as the rest of the film. Ellen finally succumbs to her nightmarish visions, effectively getting banged by Count Orlok, which was supposed to be this grand, climactic moment. Instead, it’s just another scene of her writhing around, looking more like she’s having an awkward public meltdown than experiencing a vampire’s curse. The film attempts to use this moment to tie up loose ends, but it feels like a copout—a lazy way to resolve the sexual tension it’s been teasing with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
Let’s not forget the hallmark of many A24 films: scenes that make no damn sense. Nosferatu is no exception. You’ve got these random moments where the narrative just jumps, throwing in bizarre imagery, dark shots, loud discordant music, and characters spouting off in some ancient creepy chant. Then there’s the obligatory scene with someone naked, just standing there, adding nothing to the plot but a bit of shock value. It’s like Eggers threw in these elements thinking, “Oh, this will be artsy and profound!” But it’s just a mess—a pretentious attempt to seem deep or edgy. It’s all for show, no substance, and it doesn’t add to the tension; it just frustrates the audience.
Now, let’s address this oft-repeated defense: “Oh, you just don’t get it. It’s not like those Marvel or Fast and Furious films.” Yes, we all know not every movie needs to be a mindless blockbuster, and there’s certainly a place for art films and what some might call “true cinema.” But let’s cut through the pretentious nonsense here: just because Nosferatu is an A24 production with a good score and a trailer that reveals nothing doesn’t mean it’s automatically a cinematic masterpiece. The assumption that a lack of transparency in marketing equals a deep, worthy film is a fallacy.
If you think this trailer’s mystery is a sign of quality, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. And let’s be real: when you show this film to family, friends, or a significant other to gauge what kind of movies you enjoy, what are they going to see? They’re going to see that scene where Ellen’s eyes go white thinking about getting banged by a vampire while her husband watches. Or the scene where she gets banged by the vampire. Or the countless exorcism-orgasms she appears to be having throughout the movie. Show them that, and you’ll see people walking out—not because they don’t “get it,” but because it’s not engaging or enjoyable.
Don’t let this movie hide behind the shield of being cinema just because it’s an A24 film by Robert Eggers attempting to be different from mainstream fare. That’s a copout, and any other film would be criticized for the same reasons.
In the end, Nosferatu (2024, A24, by Robert Eggers) is a classic case of a film that’s more interested in being perceived as high art than in actually delivering a story that resonates or scares. It’s a perfect example of how not to make a horror film. It’s pretentious, it’s boring, and it’s a reminder that even with a rich premise and beautiful visuals, if there’s no substance, there’s no soul. This is not a film that invites you to think bigger—it’s one that makes you wonder why you bothered in the first place.
If you’re looking for a vampire movie with depth, scares, and a story that doesn’t make you feel like you’re watching a slow-motion car crash, I’d recommend giving this one a miss. There’s nothing here but empty style and a misguided attempt at being profound. Remember, in cinema—as in life—being intricate for the sake of intricacy is just a hollow echo of true art. Being obtuse isn’t the same as being good.
And I really don’t want to hear about how the ending was shocking or blew your mind. How? How did it blow your mind? The only thing that was getting blown was Nosferatu. But don’t worry—people will complain after the Oscars when this movie doesn’t win any major awards. They’ll be saying, “Oh, it’s an insult that this movie didn’t win this or that!” Well, it’s an insult this movie was made.
Peace.
